Talk:Fire Storm/@comment-17759525-20140328011804
Wow, Book, this is a really cool story!!! '-SPOILERS-' I'll go through this chapter by chapter, giving feedback as best as I can :3 PROLOGUE First word in the third line should be "complex" XD But this is a cool way to introduce the story. It gives a solid background without really giving anything away that's going to happen in the story. I would recommend maybe breaking up the first paragraph a bit, if possible. I have this tendency to skip over longer paragraphs. I actually skipped it the first time I read over this (although I read it the second time, I promise!). Slightly smaller paragraphs are just easier to follow. But yeah, good job with the prologue! It's succinct but descriptive, and it sets the stage for a really unique story. CHAPTER ONE The first, like, two and a half paragraphs are in past tense, and then it switches to present tense for the rest of the story. I'd either change those first paragraphs to present tense or maybe actually change the rest of the story to past as well, since it's being told as Stormshine's past memories. You also have a couple of typos, like "befor" and "lie". I like the italicized portion. It reminds the readers that this is told from Stormshine's point of view as she reminisces about her life. This whole chapter is really well-written. It shows how Stormkit feels about her Clan, and the way that the other cats don't like her. It also shows the characters' personalities starting to develop. And the last sentences... ''Lucky her. I hope she has a nice life. ''Oh my gosh, it gives me chills! To see how Stormkit has given up on any hope of surviving... oh, gosh, this is gonna be good. CHAPTER TWO Second paragraph - saying the cats throw stones "at you" almost makes it sound like they throw stones at the reader, which is kind of unnerving. It would sound better if it said "at the cat" or something like that. Same paragraph you use the word "they" to describe the condemned cat. The cat is singular, so it doesn't really match. Then later you spell "reappear" with only one p, and technically the medicine cats aren't reappearing from anywhere since we never saw them appear from there before. I like the touch of sarcasm that almost shows through in the first line. It's subtle, but it still shows how Stormkit doesn't think it really matters. The description she gives of the sick cats' death is good, because it gives us as the readers a sense of what's going on in this twisted Clan as well as serving as a reminder for Stormkit. Then Stormkit's fear of dying is well described. She's a kit, for StarClan's sake; no kit should have to be afraid of their Clan killing them off. Then the way she looks at the other side and wonders what it would be like to live is a nice twist. She really doesn't have any good options. Oooh, the suspense! CHAPTER THREE In the last paragraph, there should be a comma after the word "or" in the phrase "or, as I've begun to think of them,..." There should also be a period at the end of the word "immediately" in the phrase (I didn't answer immediately) back in the third paragraph. I like the way this chapter is set up. The way the medicine cats question Stormkit so rapidly and intensely is interesting, and it helps build up the intensity of the story overall. Then Stormkit's hopelessness at the end - "I never had a chance anyway" - oh, it's just so sad, but it really does help show how Stormkit feels. CHAPTER FOUR In the first paragraph, the sentence beginning, "But I bet that the next kit.." is a fragment, while "Oh, they just pricked my blood, and put it on a leaf I guess they were going to run some tests on it" in the eighth paragraph is a run-on sentence. You also used a semicolon rather than an apostrophe in the word "didn't" in the eighth paragraph. It's interesting how different Stormkit's and Hollykit's evaluations from each other. Obviously the medicine cats don't trust Stormkit or something, which is weird (in a good way). Poor, poor Stormkit. Everyone's given up on her, and she's even given up on herself. What kind of Clan must they be, threatening innocent kits with death before they even reach six moons? CHAPTER FIVE In the italicized portion, you switch tenses again. First you're talking about "the kits today" and then you say "...who spent...". That almost sounds like today's kits lived in the past, which makes no sense. There shouldn't be a comma in "about how, I had a cold". You need an apostrophe in "let's", and "But Result Day, that had to take the cake for worst day" is another run-on sentence. Later on in the chapter you spelled "epitome" wrong. The description of the dusk is really cool, and accurate too. I also like the way that it sets Stormkit apart from her Clanmates again, since they like dusk and she doesn't. Stormkit's feelings against Frostkit are strengthened as well in this scene. The way that the cats all stare at Stormkit again shows how little they care about her. I have to wonder: when you say "Starhaze must have gossiped up a storm in her empty days as a queen", did you intentionally use the word "storm" as a reference to Stormkit, or is that merely a coincidence? I can't wait to see the Results. CHAPTER SIX More later~